Don’t hold me to this but I think I’ve come up with a solution for those of you who don’t use Instagram but want to see the content I post on there. I’m experimenting with uploading the videos to Youtube as well as IGTV so that I can then embed them into the blog. So you should see a video screen below, with any luck, and you should be able to click and watch me making a berk of myself trying on too-short shorts.
Don’t say I never give you anything.
If this works (and why wouldn’t it?) then there will be a pleasant, permanent place for all of the content I make with the added benefit that it is Google-able. (Googlable?) It’s quite challenging keeping up with the ever-changing social media landscape and I feel safest when all of my stuff is anchored to this blog, my internet home and virtual mothership.
So let me know if this is handy for you – it should definitely please those old-skoolers who still watch Youtube but hate Instagram. And apparently most Youtube users now watch on their phones, so the vertical video should be popular too… I’ll still be uploading normal, horizontal Youtube content and so this IGTV stuff is basically a bonus for those who want it.
Anyway, onwards and upwards with the short-shorts – honestly, I don’t know how anyone functions in shorts this brief. How do they lean to get into a car? What happens if they have to tie up a shoelace? The gussets on said shorts are so small that you’re more or less walking around in a ticking time-bomb, in terms of accidentally flashing your fanjita. I’m all for a bit of body con in the summer if you fancy it but surely there’s a fine line between accentuating your best parts and, er, indecently exposing them…
Links are below if you fancy some short shorts of your own.
Short shorts: https://www2.hm.com/en_gb/productpage.0741356016.html
Tight shorts: https://www2.hm.com/en_gb/productpage.0816423003.html
I’ve (perhaps unwisely) started testing out online exercise videos. There’s a whole other post to be written on the various hazards to be avoided when partaking in Youtube workout classes, but I have a pressing question about the fundamental essence of my being and that is this: do I, Ruth Crilly, have the emotional maturity of a fourteen year old boy?
Am I hopelessly, embarrassingly immature or do other people chortle their way through the workouts, smirking at the utter smut-fest that is the running commentary? It’s like innuendo bingo! I have to say, too, that it is almost always the videos from the US that have the richest array of double entendre – the instructors across the pond seem to have absolutely no clue that what they’re saying sounds like it has been lifted from a porno script.
Here are some choice cuts from the Youtube videos I’ve been testing out this week:
“OK, I’m really feeling that in my booty right now, guys. Wow, that is deep, I can feel it deep inside my butt.” (Glutes exercise.)
“Oooh, that is good in my butt right now!” (Plank with mountain-climbing legs. Don’t ask. It’s no wonder the majority of people give up exercise after January.)
“Mmmm, okay, now let’s pump it, pump it, pump it, PUMP!” (Sumo squats with a “pulse” at the bottom. We will talk about “pulses” in my next exercise post when I’ve thought up enough expletives.)
I’d like to add that all of these things are said quite breathlessly, by women wearing lycra so tight you can see every gynaecological peak and trough. Nothing remotely wrong with that in itself, obviously, but it’s more than a little off-putting having a visual as well as the soundtrack. Puts me right off my stride! It’s almost impossible to balance on one leg and outstretch your arms “like an aeroplane” when you’re shaking with barely-contained mirth.
I find the word “pump” amusing in almost all circumstances, to be truthful, irrespective of accent. Depending on where you’re from you’ll know that “pump” is an alternative word for trump, parp or – as I insist on it being called in this house – bottom burp.
Unfortunate, really, when “pump” is such a commonly used word for…loads of things. Petrol pump, air pump, pump up the volume. I can deal with all of those versions, it’s just when someone’s talking about the action of pumping. Oh, the number of adverts I’ve filmed with beauty brands where I’ve had to say something like
“do two or three pumps into the palm of your hand!”
“spray two pumps onto your face and breathe deeply to inhale the scent!”
Kills me every time.
Anyway, back to the “feel it deep inside your booty” gang: surely they know what they’re saying? Do they come out with things like this deliberately, in a wild stab at humour, to get you through the workout? Or do they just assume that 99% of viewers aren’t as immature as me?
Answers on a postcard please. And happy Easter. I did mean to do some sort of intelligent, heartfelt post about new starts and beautiful life and #thankfulness but this issue seemed more important.